The moral of this story is I need a hobby.
In the first week of June I took a much needed and long planned vacation to California for my cousin’s wedding, as well as visit Claire and Teresa. I hadn’t been to California since I was a teenager and I’d been meaning to visit Claire and Teresa since they moved out there. And right up until the very end of the trip, it was fantastic. Good food, even better coffee, and perhaps the best gin fizz I’ve ever had in my life. Oh, and the wedding was a ton of fun (sidenote to readers and myself: Look up The California Honeydrops. They were the best band I’ve ever seen at a wedding, period.).
It wasn’t until I was waiting for my flight home that it took any kind of bad turn (the giant blisters I got on my feet from those horrendous San Francisco hills notwithstanding). I had to be at the airport stupid early, and Teresa was generous enough to drive me over there at a time that should be reserved for old people getting their morning coffee. I got all the way through security before I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and realized that my flight would be delayed five hours. I should’ve packed a blanket. And a pillow. And a bed.
While waiting, I called my boss and left a voicemail to let him know I’d be back to work on Thursday. A few hours later, he texted me with the following message:
“We still have some problems with the oven so u don’t have to come yet I need to talk to youi regarding your work we can’t affored to pay you 14$ an you don’t meet our expectation. And you set most of the time so we don’t need you if any thing change we let you know.”
A few things here. First, his grasp on English is tenuous at best. Second, those spelling errors are faithfully reproduced. Third, I assume “set” means “sit,” referring to how I would finish my work and talk to our regular customers. Oh, and yes, he’s firing me.
What kind of person fires someone through a text message? And worse still, a text message rife with spelling and grammatical errors? I mean, if you’re going to fire me, at least choose your words with enough care to let your phone auto-correct the spelling. And maybe use full words? I worked there for three years, I deserve better than “ur teh suck fux ur jobb >:( “.But that’s what I got.
The past month has been spent sending out resumes and going on interviews, but truthfully, that takes up perhaps 2 hours of a day, with, if I’m lucky, one half-hour interview a week. The rest of my time has been spent occasionally hanging out with my brothers, going to the occasional party, and watching endless amounts of tv.
I’ve watched an insane amount. I’ve watched new shows, rewatched old shows, and seen every inning of every O’s game. Some of it is engrossing and filled with artistic value (Orange is the New Black, Twin Peaks, Breaking Bad), others are idiotic and mind numbing (god help me, The Cleveland Show), and some are simply just watching something I’ve seen many times before because it’s calmingly distracting me from how I’m gonna pay rent this month (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and How I Met Your Mother).
So it stands to reason I’ve been listening to a lot of songs that have peaked my interest from these programs. Shameful, i know. But like I said, the moral of this story is that I need a hobby.
“Let’s Move & Groove Together” by Benny Latimore, as seen in Orange is the New Black
If you’ve not seen this new show produced by Netflix, I would urge you to finish what you’re doing in a timely and conscientious manner, then figure out a chunk of time where you have nothing to do and plan on perhaps watching an episode or two of this show. Or, as I did, watch the first ten seconds and see Laura Prepon’s very ample…tracks of land and get hooked. That’s perhaps selling the show a bit short, though. It’s well plotted, well acted (for the most part. I’m looking at your sorry ass, Jason Biggs), and highly engrossing. And it has perfect music placement, as evidenced by the scene in which this song is featured, in which a scantily clad Taylor Schilling dances sexfully for Laura Prepon. I mean, just that sentence alone is all like, sploosh.
“Hold On” by Tom Waits, as performed by Emily Kinney in The Walking Dead
Music is not a big part of The Walking Dead, and it makes sense. I know I’m not gonna be worried about which playlist works best for this road trip or what some jerkoff’s Top 5 Desert Island tracks are in that situation. Mostly I’d just be about “Oh my god don’t bite me oh my god” and perhaps some derivative of that, like, “Please god don’t bite me oh god why is this happening ” or some such gibberish. But in particularly tender scene, the group has holed up in a (mostly) deserted prison to protect the birth of a new child of the protagonist. The young daughter (Emily Kinney) of another character ends up watching over the baby, and sings it this song, which is both a little sweet and bone-crushingly bitter, as the child’s mother died in childbirth and her son had to put a bullet in her head. Oh, spoiler alert.
“Short People” by Randy Newman, as seen in The Cleveland Show
This one is embarrassing on so many levels. I mean, it’s Randy Newman. When you sing the theme song to a computer animated movie three times in a row you pretty much lose all your street cred. Which is a shame – he does actually have some tender heartfelt songs. This song is not one of them. Nor is it in a good show – it’s in the Family Guy spinoff. I hate that asshole Seth Macfarlane so much – he’s a racist, misogynist, anti-Semitic douchenozzle, but for some reason, in the past few days, I haven’t been able to watch anything but this show and baseball. I have literally no reason why, and I feel like an asshole. But man, this song has a great back-beat right? Right?
“Hey” by The Pixies, as seen in How I Met Your Mother
The main character of this show is both the worst character on the show and obsessed with The Pixies, both of which don’t deter me from the show. Despite growing up in the 90′s, I like very little of the archetypal 90′s grunge scene, from Nirvana to The Pixies to the Screaming Trees. (Sidenote: I’ve recently, however, become obsessed with Nirvana’s Unplugged album.) But this song is rather perfectly 90′s: it starts with a simple call out to the audience through a nasally voice, then a bass played with a pick comes in by itself, then a guitar riff that could’ve been stolen directly from Sticky Fingers. Well, shit. That actually does make for a really good song.
“Living This Life Makes It Hard” by The Duchess & The Duke, as seen in Orange is the New Black
My television’s smarter than yours, and therefore has a Netflix app built straight into it. However, it’s not nearly as polished as the app on literally any other platform. The worst thing it does is, which no other platform does, is go through the entire credits, then put up the window to play the next episode, which it will do itself after a seemingly unending amount of time – 20 seconds. I mean, this is the goddamn future! I want shit to be instantaneous. It is the internet, after all. However, I do have to thank this shitty app for introducing me to this song, which I might’ve missed had I skipped the credits to the episode it’s featured in. It’s wonderful – the harmonies fill your ears so pleasantly you sort of drift off into Nowheresville, population, you. And your fat, promiscuous mother. Oh!